Yeah yeah
The non-dual state is a state devoid of signs. Perhaps this means that the reality realm is formless, that there is no sole image that represents it, that it cannot be encapsulated in an image, or a word, which is also a sign. The word Tree is a verbal sign that represents a Tree. Fair enough, but is there any verbal sign that represents absolute reality?
Our reality is made up of appearances. Every image in the world is a rough sketch by our mind. Our world seems to contain distinct objects because of the mind’s effort of categorization. If the mind is not there to categorize, then are all things one? Not if œOne means everything is the same. Matter will still be in different forms and act upon each other. Rain will still wash away soil. When definitions fall away, however, there is no one to say œthis rain causes this soil to wash away. Without labels, you cannot tell where the rain ends and the soil starts. You do away with linear causality; one thing does not happen after another but they both arise perfectly to meet each other. Rain hits and brings soil into being, soil hits and brings rain into being. Nature contains no frame of reference that says the soil is washed away. In fact, the soil undergoes a change across time and space that only seems notable to us. I’m reminded of a Zen quote: œto walk 50 miles east is to walk 50 miles west (or something like that).
In a reality without categories, everything is in a perfect fit. Everything is resting perfectly against everything else, even if things are scraping against each other, butting up against each other. This kind of universe is incredibly delicate and fragile at the same time, depending on your reference point. Disturb any part of it and you will see changes wreaked in its furthest reaches. This delicateness engenders a chaotic and unstable nature. Since everything is so tight, everything feels everything and is changed by everything, much like a spider web. The smallest purterbance can jar the system into a completely new configuration. This chaos is part of its resilience. Such a complex diverse system does not fall easily; it reorganizes itself around change. Or, it can lose many of its parts and still function. It also is complex, in that it can experience many different phase changes in a short period of time. For a system like this, the possibilities are endless. But it is random, hard to predict, prone to violent fluctuations. Hmm, much like humans, or the world for that matter.
Nature so highly organized and coordinated with each other that they are scarcely differences at all. They are similar differences. These similar differences form relationships. In a world without an observer, there are no things in themselves, there are only relationships. Our universe is a complete set of relationships that are constantly changing yet always in equilibrium, with no energy lost or no energy gained.
In nature, we barely find things exactly alike each other. Nature is highly differentiated. Every tree is different, every leaf is different. Yet what is individuality? Is it only in our perception? We find a leaf and bring it home and name it because it is the most beautiful thing in the world. We don’t think, or perhaps even care, that there is a pile of similar looking leaves in the backyard. Somehow, the truth remains: in loving one leaf you love them all.
Oftentimes in life I think there isn’t one truth but only different slices to take, something valid offered in each one. The question of individuality is like this. Take a crowd at a shopping mall. It’s the day after thanksgiving and everyone is out for the sale. Each person comes to the mall with their own unique sense of inspiration, each drawn to the sale by slightly different circumstances. Say the big thing this holiday season is hand puppets. Everyone is captivated in each their own way by the puppets, even though they are copies, one among a million from some factory in India. Yet when these individuals saw the ad on TV, the ad was meant for themselves only. Perhaps each person is subtly surprised other people had the same idea. Yet everyone walks away with the same puppet. The moral: We all want to feel in charge of our fate. In one slice of reality we are. In another slice, you can’t deny that everyone eventually walks away with the same puppet, with the same stupid smile on their faces. Everyone, acting and feeling as if they are an individual, is still part of a larger pattern, a consistently predictable trend.
Perhaps the answer lies somewhere between œwe are all sheep and œwe are all gods. Perhaps both are true, and important. I find my meaning in the recognition that, while this thought may have been thunk, it is entirely new I’m thinking it out of a dimension of lived experience which is utterly new, profound, and beautiful. In the same way, when I look at the moon I see it as beautiful because it is shining for me in that moment, no matter how many other people are looking at it, no matter how many times it has been photographed. Here we get to questions of similitude, authenticity and criticism.
When I read a spiritual text, I read it as if its meaning has been forever dormant, waiting to be unlocked by me. When I do spiritual practice, I am purifying the entire world. My purification is completely my own, I cannot compare it to any practitioners of the past or the present.
Naked.
i have an inkling that i am but the mystery apprehensively unraveling.
Today I am cringing to understand why I write. At the root of it, I’m not sure what is being conveyed, or what is doing the conveying. I am not heartless as I thought I was. But that notion still dwells with me. “Destroy me” cries the fish in the bowl. Am I too much of a theoretical mathematician to write? I try to find my heart in bookstores and bookshelves. My friends tell me I’ve got everything within. I am distraught over a few pennies. I try my best to wear my clothes well. What are these strange white flashes that dance in front of me? I cannot explain my feelings, even to myself. My pain is actually a moaning soothing heartbeat.
I am making the strongest appeal to my empty palm. Sweaty. What can it hold for me? A glowing ember of solace and hope. The crystal is imploding on itself. I try my best to twist my visions, to twirl the quarters, to coax the evening sun rays.
I am a religious freak who tries desperately to be an atheist.
I am a struggling poet who writes no words.
I am a contemplative who doesn’t think much.
I am making stuff up.
My sense of self is overkill. My self-awareness, though necessary, defeats its own purpose.
I practice what the Masters tell me to practice.
They tell me not to practice.
I am therefore standing alone in a large plaza. Gazing.
Alive, Working Hard, Being Real, and in good health (of mind and body)
I’m feeling tired. There’s a lot that’s on my plate right now, and I’ve had a long day. I don’t want to interact with too many people and just recycle. I experience negativity a lot and feel reinforced by my practice and am invigorated to move through it. But being in the heat of it, I’m not sure where to put my foot exactly. Discouraged, troubled, fearful, nervous, misunderstood, and not mattering. I need to be alone more. I am recognizing that, and am setting intentions to follow through with that. Being alone really helps me appreciate myself. To love myself, and be where I want to be, basically. My values¦should never be compromised. And once again, I’m realizing that’s what I have been doing. I seek out company as if it will satisfy my need to be appreciated as a moral being. But I need to step back and become myself once again. What does that mean? I don’t want to stray too far into the mental. I want to find my groove in the kaleidoscopic essence. I want to center myself in my values and my whims and my tendencies and my fantasies and my goals. I am, most of all, disappointed in myself. I feel trapped and lonely in my feelings. And yet I am calm. Maybe it’s like Tom said œI’m a duck treading water. I need a master. I pray for a guide. I pray to attain to the highest, and to bring that highest to all. And I don’t feel worthy of that. When I finally enter myself, when I retreat into my own mindfulness, I find that I am the worst person I know. Here is where I find myself so close to Christianity. And I want to get deeper into that feeling, to cultivate a practice with that. And amidst that: Buddhism peeks its’ head out. Equanimity, strength of mind, endurance, forbearance, and the perfections and precepts. Eventually, that deep feeling must subside? Maybe not, I remember Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche and his extreme depth of humility¦not that I’m humble at all¦I’m the most arrogant person I know! Shit. I mourn my lack of humility. I’m glad that I don’t get depressed anymore, but contemplative. I think that’s a healthy note to end on. Can you read between these lines and see how much depth of kaleidoscopic essence comes between each sentence, from sentence to sentence.
the poetic…
I only cower and cringe, life is so potent. I have entered so many unadulterated spaces, and survived.
I search within myself. Finding nothing but a pale blue heart.
I encounter my forgotten prolonging for life.
I do not seek out peace for the sake of peace. If my spirit is disrupted I seek to know my spirit as disrupted.
I am a fan of none, but I reach out to the stars nevertheless.
Art brings me to tears.
I will die, but I am saved by the earth’s beauty. Beauty for whom ? Beauty for what? The tree stands for no one. Aren’t I just the same?
Here I am wrenched by my emotions.
Humanity to feel the most beautiful of humanity.
To feel is to suffer. Through our feeling we are doomed to suffer.
Yet! Yet! somewhere in suffering lies a redemption.
Broken pasts, faded futures, come tumbling into view. I am no victim.
Somewhere my spirit will leave my fragile body. I will break forward into the eastern sunset.
I am that special one who is so gripped by life, I cannot let go. Oh. beauty.
I kneel lock kneed at the edge of my bed, amidst my tears, and trembling with fear…but my spirit is crying for joy and out of joy. It has found its home.
But with this I do not tire, I am fed. There is an alienness in life and opposed to the human soul. But I grow. I sprout. For to be human is to oppose this alienness. On the other hand, man is the most alien and ugly thing there is. For he is doomed above all animals to contemplate himself.
But hark, we are here.
some poetry…
Teary-eyed, we go walking straight into the sky,
Slowly doubtful about what the spring will bring, and yet the moods of today just seem to fit the moods of tomorrow.
Time and my heart are puzzle pieces that meet perfectly only once in a few years, and yet such monumental occasions fly by my face in exquisite taste.
At the end of spring in the middle of a forever winter.
But let’s not get too sentimental before the night ends,
I am ready for a better heart,
And a better part of this warmth to come washing over me as it slides by.
Are we the directors of our lives watching the scenes pass by?
When will I yell cut and dance in happiness?
Or will my senses get covered up by new senses and the scenes will blend together,
My dreams¦together with the corridors of the journey.
“Philo-plumbing” vs. “Philo-fumbling”
Have you ever witnessed a moment when a person is faced with a question that challenges their philosophy? What happens at that very moment? Do they fidget and cringe? Do they gracefully step aside? What do they do?
I think the moment when a person’s philosophy is challenged is fascinating. What does it tell me about the person? What does it tell me about the philosophy they carry? Or especially, what does it tell me about philosophy’s in general?
When we find that our philosophy has a hole in it, or that it isn’t as thorough as we thought it was, a bit of fumbling occurs. tee hee. Our brain desperately does the patchwork. “Well, I would say it this way” “the tradition goes this way” etc. etc. I remember a friend of mine said awhile ago: “It seems like every system of thought has a box for the other system of thought. Do they really have each other accounted for? Or are they victim to similar types of ignorance?” But more speaking to the present presentation: I think fumbling is an indication of hurriedness. Hurriedness, what does that mean? I think I mean that hurriedness is overeager assumption about one’s understanding.
I think my friend really said it all. His was a sincere plumbing into the roots, an honest clawing into the skin. I don’t think we can ever fully comprehend things. His Holiness the Dalai Lama said it himself, to practice this path is to never rest. To be constantly practicing with no endpoint. Awakening is not a one time thing, but a series, a continuation, an ever-budding flower. How can I think that I have the key? The key keeps changing, and there are more keys. This same principle can be applied to philosophy. Ideas are in flux!
’nuff said.
Then what is an appropriate question?
This whole Buddhist idea that there are certain questions that lead to edification and those that do not tend towards edification (i.e. When/how did the universe begin? is a question that is labeled as not tending towards edification)….intrigues me. With that premise, what is an appropriate question to ask? What question would lead you down the path towards deeper or deepest fulfillment? I’m not to sure myself but I surmise that there must be some significant parameters or factors that good questioners take into account when they get into the fray. What are some special qualities that a journalist has that enable him/her to be so good at his/her job?
To me, it seems like there must be some kind of tendency, or no, a deeper aspiration that drives the questions. There’s got to be something behind the questions besides just fanciful logic. It’s gotta be some meaty consideration. Some of my favourite questions that I hear from people seem to just pop out of nowhere, usually very nonchalantly. But as you get to know the person it becomes clear that there’s more to this person then meets the eye. That question may have, in that moment, popped out of nowhere, but there’s some inherent meat to the experience of that person so it only natural that he/she came up with such a question on the spur. Isn’t it fascinating when another person says something in passing…five days later you realize that that statement really hit you, and yet it was in passing. hm…
Bringin’ it back to questions: What are the necessary contours of an enriching question? I remember when Viet asked Raoul what kinds of questions are good ones when Viet and I were going on our documentary trip. Raoul said questions from the heart and your experience. Lama-la (Tully’s progenitor said the same). Raoul had gone into it further in a class, and again, in response to Viet, Raoul said: “Questions that are seemingly simple draw out really pressing, complex answers. Go for those kinds of simple questions.”
I really want to train myself to ask better and better questions. This means I need both get in closer touch with my heart pangs. To know more and more truly where I am and where I want to be. To understand what other people can contribute to the subject the question addresses. To be willing to be humble. To be ready to wreck the way I think of things. To be attentive to the other person’s answer. To let the answer sink in. To open myself up. To be willing to practice what I hear.
Learning, what what
How does writing give structure to my thoughts? When I write I am molding my thoughts into this structure. How am I inspired to write? Usually a spark goes off. This may be verbal or non verbal, but that spark opens I door and I know how to step in but I don’t necessarily know where I’m going. You can’t predict the process, you just have to live the process and let it change you. Then maybe afterwords you reflect back on how the process has changed you. Think about this in terms of say writing a book. Writing a book is a process of giving structure to your mind, to your thoughts. You are learning how to think in a certain way. You are changing your mind.
You are ordering your mind. If you are an introspective kind of person, as you are ordering your mind you are constantly reflecting on how your mind changes. An introspective kind of person is constantly aware of how learning changes his perception. It is amazing that we can impose new structures on ourselves.
In fact, doing any act is both a process of doing the act, of kicking that part of your mind into gear, and a process of ourselves in observance of that act we are doing. For example, I am writing this paragraph and exercising many parts of my mind in the doing of it. One part of my mind writes this paragraph somewhat effortlessly- this is because I call my attention into the process of writing this paragraph. I put my attention on the flow of words. It is opening a flood of words, once the door is open the words just come, as a flood, and the role of my attention is to merely keep the door open. If your attention becomes distracted, and if the door becomes closed those words stop. I feel that everyone has boundless innate intelligence. It is only their habit of attention that holds them back. If you have never trained your attention, you will never keep your attention long enough to develop a skill. Music is like that as well. Your attention allows the reprogramming of your mind. When I am playing guitar and focusing, I can see the patterns becoming imprinted onto my mind as I chart them out with my fingers. Then upon returning to the fretboard, those patterns are œin my fingers and they appear in my mind, poking through what was before chaos. I can find the patterns quickly and efficiently and execute them.
What then is the process of learning? On my guitar fretboard there are a zillion possibilities of sequences of notes. Yet when I pick it up, my fingers can make sense out of the frets and the strings and play something that sounds OK to your ear. My fingers have been programmed to know how to move in a certain pattern, in certain steps. And when I look at the fretboard, I don’t see just chaos, I see possibilities, I see patterns and shapes and I can experiment with these patterns and shapes, see alterations, see modifications, see new combinations and experiment with them. My mind has a language for the fretboard, the fretboard is not just a jungle. It contains meaning for me, meaning out of which action can be created. I speak its language. The expert’s mind can see all the possibilities, the noise and the junk in a system and immediately boil it down to its most meaningful attributes. It cuts to those parts by which the system REALLY operates.
Learning, becoming an expert in something is not only gaining more information. The learning process changes how we receive information as well. It changes the rules by which we receive information. I receive the perception of the fretboard according to internal structures that have been set up in my mind. In a learned task, an internal functionality is set up in my mind. I project my learned set of operations onto the outside world, in being able to manipulate. The ability I have to play guitar is stored within my brain as a set of neural connections. While my ability to play guitar originates at the neural connections, the neural connections themselves don’t play my guitar. My guitar and the playing of the guitar has no meaning in their world. In a sense, my playing of the guitar is stored within my brain as a language or a code of neuronal actions that is then translated down the line. The neuron’s firing is a code that has a meaning for my muscles, that when connected to my hand, allows me to execute the music. Learning changes your brain structure physically, molecularly. The outcome of learning changes the way you act bodily. In learning, I am taking the outside world and making it meaningful to my inside world. The outside world impels me to produce internal structures. I am taking in the outside world, translating it in a way that makes sense for me physiologically, neurologically, so I can spit out a correct response in accordance with those laws of nature, so my action makes sense with the world.
(enter drumbeat)
In learning, I am downloading the world into the structure of my brain. I am taking the structure of the world and making it the structure of my brain. I am taking the meaningful structures of the world and making it the meaningful structures of my brain. I am incorporating the world into myself. I take patterns I see in the world and represent them in my own structure. This is adaptation. The same patterns within us are the patterns outside of us. Learning is the process of incorporating external patterns into internal patterns. Cognition, world creation is the process of translating internal learned patterns into external executed actions.
Learning is remaking the world within yourself. Learning is creating a virtual world within yourself.
Learning is¦
Sustained attention allows one long enough to use his own innate intelligence in say fixing a bike. Attention also keeps open more internal doors of creativity. I believe our mind, our being, our creativity is vast and untapped most of the time. I believe at many points during our day so much of our being, our intelligence remains untapped. My goal is maintain a practice or intention or attention that at all times, keeps the door open for universals of being and creativity to show through at all times. This is at the crux of what I believe is the inner revolution, of Buddhahood. Center that attention, and it is if you are, in every action, funneling a resevoir and as broad as the universe. I call this œkeeping an open channel. In recognizing you are always tapping an untold power, there is never a lack of inspiration in your life. And admittedly, the act of doing this, the experience of doing this, is much more important to me than this philosophy on paper. A developed coherent philosophy on paper is less important to me than the lived experience of this open channeledness.
From this standpoint, I am a channel of divine creativity. I am an embodiment of the divine creativity, of the divine changing. The divine lives itself out through me. The body and personality of œme is just a front for the divine. It’s dressing on the window.
Truth work is truth earned
Quick notepad:
How can the one become many? How can a simple rules give rise to multiple complexities, to complex structures, to repeating but non-uniform patterns? How can simple rules produce complex patterns at random intervals? How can something pure give rise to something defiled (through its being divided?) How does repetition give rise to diversity?
How does life “beat the odds”? How is life robust? How does life survive random mutation, random chance, random disasters? What is “life force” or “life’s momentum?” How does the simple create the complicated? How does the complicated create the simple? Charles Mingus- “It is easy to make the simple complicated. Art is making the complicated simple”
Why are certain systems “on the brink of instability”, on the “brink of chaos”? How does truth become differentiated into many forms?
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Thoughts inspired by Avatamsaka Sutra
A Buddha is a constant dharma process. A Buddha is a constant mode of teaching coming from his very being. Buddhism has eight spokes, eight perfections, which revolve around the hub. Put the eight spokes into action and only the hub remains. A Buddha is always at the hub, yet he speaks on all the different spokes, the different entry ways into the teachings. The Buddha is at the hub at the core, but he is always reformulating, processing, articulating, phrasing and rephrasing, coming up with new metaphors and syllogisms, new images, new parables, multiple angles, multiple strategies, all as an attempt to speak to people of different minds, to enter the mind in different ways, to turn different minds to the same way, to turn different minds to different ways. He is liberation, but he is always laying down foundations on which people can stand to see the great sun on the horizon. He rests at the ultimate, but is always explaining the process and paths to the ultimate. He is always illustrating how to navigate the different roads and intersections. He basically knows the process of the mind perfectly well. He knows how we become deluded and how we become liberated.
He is in a constant dialogue about liberation. It may seem at times he is talking on the easy stuff, but it’s only for a reason. Sometimes he’s talking on the profound stuff. His thoughts are all means towards understanding his own state of mind so well that he can communicate it to others. His thoughts are all means toward understanding other’s states of minds so well that he can communicate it to others.
I am in a constant dialogue with myself about my own style, formulations, thoughts, and communications. I am intent on pointing all my thoughts towards truth, I am intent on making all my intellectual formulations point towards truth, lead towards truth, expound truth, illustrate truth, build up to truth. (Haha I’m writing like the sutra.) Again and again I want to reach in my mind and pull out a facsimile of truth. Look into your mind again and truth is seen at a new angle, different from the last one.
Every moment I cast my eyes again, searching for truth. Each moment that my vision refreshes, I make sure truth is still in front of my eyes. Each moment I am again considering truth, and if falsity comes, I consider falsity until I arrive at truth. Truth for me is like a piece of gum in my mouth that I’m moving underneath and around my tongue searching for the last flavors. I write to consider truth over and over again. I write to constantly re-experience truth. I write to constantly move my search for truth. Writing is constant momentum and it dispels stagnation.
I never want to read any truth with the preconception that “I’ve got it”. Words of truth constantly carry me to new insights. Practice is not apart from enlightenment, at every moment of practice enlightenment occurs. Sometimes the I’ve brought the “I’ve got it” to truth, and truth again dispels me, carries me away. The experience of truth for me is like a miraculous hammer that shatters any thought and boom! reality is inexplicable, undefinable, amazingly realistic, magical, baffling and even to be alive is a shock, the fact that anything exists at all is deafening, unfathomable, maddening. Yet to say the experience of truth is being amazed that things exist is not enough, because to be able to amazed that things exist is creating another category, it is creating another viewpoint on which to view reality from. Entering reality is the shattering of any views about reality, that reality is amazing or not amazing. This is why they say entering reality is amazing. HA HA got you there you dirty asshole!
When I write I try to constantly be open to new surprises. Writing is the practice of “beginners mind”, in that I just like to SEE WHAT HAPPENS! The Buddha is constantly surprising himself over and over again with his own mind. His awakening is constantly blooming in each moment, and is constantly giving him a thrill, or at least an insight. Awakening is like tipping off a stream of dominos, it has this snowball effect. The more insight a mind has, the more insights it produces constantly, and the insights are becoming more subtle and subtle constantly. Subtle states of mind for him are like lotus petals blooming constantly in the water! HA HA
I never come and stop at truth, truth is never a place where one can reside at. Truth is a constant conversation. Energy exchange and dialogue are good mediums for truth. Look into your own mind and you will discover something new every time you look. That is the nature of impermanent or changing mind. You won’t find a “self” that stays from one moment to the next. An artist who can find something new in his mind every time he looks is never wont for inspiration.
Truth is constantly compelling you to “be right here”. It constantly asks you to meet it. If you are present one moment, but not the next, you have just fallen into a huge pit. Hopefully the next moment you can dig yourself out.
Truth runs on its own time, you gotta catch it when it’s there!
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Every grain of the universe, contemplated long enough, gives rise to the understanding of the whole universe.
Every form in the universe is one piece of the universal puzzle. Every piece of the puzzle contains the whole puzzle. Yet in every puzzle piece containing the whole, the puzzle piece does still not lose its individualness.
Truth is present in every direction, no matter where you look. Every form in the universe is a mere shadow of the one. To dwell on the differences and to miss the fact that all shadow forms emanate from the same place is to miss the One.
Every form in the universe is equally a gateway to the truth. Every form in the universe is a different configuration for the same expression of the One. Every form equally covers up the secret meaning and as this is true, every form equally can expose the secret meaning. The same universal is seen in every form of the universe.
Every form in the universe brings out a different sensation in us. Every color inspires in us different feelings. We react to every form differently from the last. Every moment our consciousness contains different forms. We never see the same thing twice, never have the same experience twice. Consciousness has infinitely varying possibilities as far as its contents. Infinite subtle shades of emotions, infinite different sensations, changing constantly. Every different environment is a unique configuration of consciousness. Every environment is contains the possibility for infinite meaning to be made. Every law of the universe, every meaning found in the universe can be extrapolated from one point of space time. Every point in the universe is the center of the universe.
Behind every form in the universe is the same message: the ground of being, the spirit of liberation. If it were not for this ground of being, there would be no meaning in the universe. If it were not for the meaningfulness of this ground of being, there would be no meaning in the universe. Every form in the universe is a the universe shouting loud to us. At every corner you turn on the streets of the universe, the great meaning stops you in your tracks.
Every form on the universe is a rich tapestry on the palace of the ground of being. Every form of the universe is a different teaching of the great being according to our various modes of perception. Every form of the universe is a different teaching according to the different animals that can perceive it. Every wavelength of light of the universe is a different teaching according to those beings who can perceive each wavelength of light. Beings have entirely different perceptions, different bodies, are attuned to different modes of reality. Reality takes on all these different forms for different beings. There are as many forms of teaching as beings on this planet. Whatever form you use, use the form to transcend the form. Use the form to see that however form varies, that behind the form stays the same. The great message, the divine source is embodied in many different ways, for many different beings, in many different beings.
The Buddha has many different form bodies, many different manifestations. You can find him in a sound, in a picture, in a painting. You can discover him through the ears, through the eyes, through the tongue and mouth. If you hear a sound and discover an awakening, this is entering the realm of the reality through buddha. You thank the Buddha consciousness for that. If you see a picture and discover awakening ,you have awakened to that Buddha. My consciousness is Buddha consciousness which is what all things emanate from. Perhaps there can’t be a distinction made between my consciousness and the consciousness of a tree or a rock. Reality is one field of Buddha, the Buddha field. No inside or outside, just the Buddha field.
Every segment of reality, every inch of reality if blown up, can become a huge, beautiful picture. Every inch of that huge, beautiful picture, can be blown up to also be a huge, beautiful picture. This is the nature of fractal organization. This works not only on a visual level, but an emotional level as well. Every inch of reality, even the smallest patch of grass, can inspire the deepest emotion possible in a person. Psychadelics inspire this. We can find the deepest meanings in a blade of grass. What great simplicity to find the deepest meanings in a blade of grass and not need all the other stimulation, movies and situations and people and the like. on Psychadelics a blade of grass blowing in the wind can become as powerful as an opera. You realize that the deepest of meanings is found in every corner of the universe. Your boundaries of perception are totally freed. You find timeless moments in some pebbles on a sidewalk street gutter. This is as beautiful display of reality as any.
You no longer are so focused on your feet or in front of you or on the level of human faces. Faces and buildings and cars and streets all direct our perception to habituation. They train us to dwell just in the realm of cars streets and buildings, but do not teach us to look in the cracks, to look above or below. How does architecture guide our mind. How does the environment guide our mind? To animals nature is just one, nature is nature, nature is everywhere and anything.
World
I never write something that is outside my own experience. When I write something I am describing something as if it is sitting on the table before me, even if it is an emotion or an abstract perception. I can’t write about what I can’t see, an emotion I am not having. I have to see it directly and clearly and if I don’t see it directly and clearly I have to calm my mind and wait patiently. I’m skeptical about writing about truths I have come to earlier. How are the truths I have come to earlier pertinent to my experience now? Are they present with me? Do they make me who I am or is who I am always at the budding end of my experience?
I just got up from writing and now I am coming back to it. Is everything I feel changed by now? Perhaps I no longer think any of this. Yet I still think it, now I just have to read a little bit of what I wrote and jump on another thought again, catch this other train. Thought takes me outside of myself. Thought means nothing, it’s just a train I’m riding on. Thought is a unique activity of the human mind. What gets a mind thinking, and what stops a mind from thinking ever again (perhaps we know a person like this)?
If you want to develop a train of thought, or want to explore an area of knowledge, you have to go to that train of thought and keep exposing yourself to it. It is like a koan, you have to revive it in yourself again and again. Perhaps that’s why journaling is fascinating to me. Again and again I’m developing a train of thought, and they are all about my thought processes. I keep touching on a point over and over again with a hope of yielding some new insight out of it. I give myself a blank page over and over again and see what my mind comes up with given the space. Maybe it’s about just giving the mind space, and then the mind can do it’s work.
Give the mind space, and then the mind can do its work. I talk about that below. Over and over I give the mind space so I can see what comes up. I meditate, giving the mind space, and I see whats coming up. Sometimes I give the mind space by doing, sometimes I give the mind space by not doing. Writing I am giving the mind space, and seeing what comes up.
Give the mind space and the insights flow. So many half baked ideas, giving the mind space. Giving the mind space I am open to letting something amazing happen. Giving the mind space I am open to not having anything amazing happen. What happens when you give an artist a blank sheet of paper. Does he start to draw where his first impulse lies? Does he start to draw something, a representation of the world, or does he start to draw an abstraction, perhaps a representation of the inner world? What does my mind want to do with the space it is given?
If you want to develop a train of thought, keep that train of thought fresh in your mind and keep refreshing it, and it will grow like a tree and build on itself like a house, without your doing any work. Thoughts are like this: give them food and they will grow. Minds are like this: give them food and they will grow by themselves. People are like this: give them the right food from the outset, and they will grow good roots and grow tall.
When you perceive directly the mystery present in life: that is the origin of all art. When life, when the universe seems to be vibrating with an energy of mystery and withholding, that is the origin of all art. When you look out at the appearance of the world and it seems to be withholding a secret, that is art. What does it all mean? Have you through your adulthood lost this ability to ask such broad, expansive, and unanswerable questions?
When you look out and the world is not just this dead thing, but seems to possess a consciousness, an aliveness. When the human world seems small and meaningless because you perceive the cosmic meaning. Even on our terrestrial sphere I feel close to the cosmos. From my living room¦ I am not in santa cruz, I am not in the united states, I am in an ocean of space/time. I am left with an oceanic feeling. The universe is constant interconnected harmony.
The universe winks at us constantly, is winking at us constantly, its magic is always flying in front of us whether we know it or not. The world to me is a presence that is not dead but alive, it is a presence.
I feel like I am constantly entering new territory. Yet I am so reflective that before I take each step I have to reflect on all the previous steps before that one, to know that I am on solid footing. My psyche has to be a balanced checkbook, and if there is anything still uncovered- thoughts, emotions unaccounted for, taking a new step could be fatal.
have you ever had the experience where meaning just floods your being, meaning comes in and tears at you and rips you to shreds and flings you around and you are on the brink of insanity and your existence and it is dark and joyful at the same time and the entire universe and cosmos whips around you in terrifying ecstasy!!!!
have you ever had the experience of feeling your sadness so much you want to cry, when you cry for your thoughts, when you cry at your not beingn able to cry for your thoughts, when you cry at your self and all your misgivings, when you cry at the world for its hardship and inequities when you cry because you cannot even begin to take all the worlds meaning in a single emotion though you try.
when one emotion rips through you and destroys thoughts it animates you like a crazy puppet on strings and the music rocks you back and forth with its wave of doom impending¦ when you look at the eye of the universe that great mystical third eye which is the wink the blink the source of everything and you look into it straight.
I see too much and sometimes I cannot take it I cannot bear to see this much but my being just yearns for it it is like I cannot stop and nothing to utterly annihilate my own existence and be flung into space.
I look at my experience dreadfully and hopefully and escstatically¦ I TRY TO PULL OUT MY VERY BONES AND RIP IT APART WHAT IS THIS WHAT IS THIS WHAT IS THIS WHAT IS THIS! I look I look and I struggle with my looking, I STRUGGLE with my being, I want to siphon I want to wring every drop of truth out of this human vesicle and throw it on the ground and spit on it and then spin into outer space.
I look and I am an open channel and the universe is having insights through me , the universe is talking its deadly its terrifying message through me and I cannot help but do its bidding that deep eye of space which watches over us and is present deep within the psyche.
I look I want to tear apart I want to dig in I want to crunch in¦. but I can’t because I’m in the living room and someone might walk up the stairs so I type madly trying to get it out all through my fingertips 
what is this urge in me to be moved. yet I want to stay still as much as I want to be moved. I want to stay still, so utterly still, unbrokenly still, and then i want to be moved, utterly moved transformed transfixed transposed. I want to watch me melt away before my self with fearful, mad ecstasy.
Later after that I want to just chill out, and be charmed by life. Why can’t I just be charmed by life! Life is AWFUL charming my dear, for heaven’s sakes it is gloriously charming. Wow I should really stop writing to music because it just throws me every which way. But seriously I like listening to intense music, maybe I listen to intense classical music the way some people listen to intense heavy metal music.
Ok, life goes on but for what it’s woth, I’m a THOUGHT DESTROYER baby, I kill thoughts with heat sinking missiles and open the channel and let it FLOW and SPIN and DANCE. Yeah¦ reality is one big dancing merry go round, one big dancing circus except when its quiet and all you want to do is look at the stars.
Wow so definitely new perspective on writing, can I write ecstatically? I guess I’m always trying to make too much sense but really.
Mozart is a beautiful man for making me feel all these things.
Words
February 18th, 2007
Words are just printed ink on pages, yet they are visceral. A book with words can be as a real as a grip on the cool wood of a shovel. Our mind grabs words, which are symbols, and makes the image or feeling from these words as real as anything else in our experience.
Alfred continues with his experience: œImages were instantaneous; the meaning alone could be like the unyielding metal taste when you bit on an empty spoon. Here he writes using an example of exactly what he is describing. Words are nothing but symbols. Words here almost replace the act of actually biting on an empty spoon. Didn’t you just feel a new taste in your mouth? These words invaded your consciousness, gave you that feeling whether you liked it or not. Maybe we should be careful about what we read. My rule of thumb: if I read about the Divine, I become the Divine.
œThe initial shock of that language left no room in my head for anything else. Words have an undeniable power. Alfred is describing those first experiences with literature that got him hooked for the rest of his life. He undergoes a transformation in this passage. To understand his transformation, it might help to think about the power of words, of literature.
œRead divine words and you will become divine. Some words have the power to empty our minds of discursive thinking; other words seem to encourage discursive thinking. What is the difference? When do words move the soul and when do words clutter the soul? Kazin has an image of two tulips that seem to be pouring their red on each other. This device seems to jog our senses in different directions. The word red can evoke in us a feeling of redness that may or may not be accompanied in our minds by the color red. Yet œPouring red almost gives me a taste as well. Pouring red seems to be that right combination of words that gives you a unique sensation somewhere between taste, touch, and sight that you aren’t sure how to categorize it and it almost makes you uncomfortable. For Kazin, this is an effective towards bringing out the streets of New York City in our minds. Morally, I would say this image is neutral. Compare these words to those that cause fear or anxiety or restlessness within our minds.
Some words enter us, and they are neutral for us because their utility is to give us a concept, such when we are learning how something works. Other times we recognize beautiful words but they have lost their meaning because of the context in which they are in. But in rare occasions, a magic occurs: the words themselves are so beautiful and the meaning behind them is so beautiful that we are moved to epiphany. This happens when the meaning of the words becomes clear and authenticated within us. These kinds of words cause us to grasp new fields of meaning within our own experience. In other words, they cause us to become aware of a new state of being within ourselves. They cause certain virtues to be realized within our awareness. I call this insight, the process of us becoming aware of, and understanding, the presence of new bright qualities within our minds. Love is an example of an epiphany, so is compassion.
It is odd and not so odd at the same time that words can cause us to come to new insights. Words are someone else’s epiphany. How can they become our own? Such is the magic of communication. In a basic sense, words are merely symbols that contain no inherent meaning within themselves. Yet they can cause an experience. Perhaps words themselves are good to the extent they can cause a good experience. Certain religious traditions hold certain written words as sacred. Is the ink on the page sacred? If we believe in words, they can at least refer to a sacred part of our minds.
I see the act of reading as pointing us to a place within our minds. When reading, we seek to develop our understanding of something. For example, our reading may point us in the direction of a political problem. Literature, however, is often about the self. In reading literature, I seek in my reading not to understand an outside problem, but to understand my self.
You could ask the question: do you even need words to understand yourself? Not necessarily: there is a type of meditation called œinsight meditation. Insight meditation stills the mind and clears away distracting thinking so the subtle, refined qualities of our minds can be recognized and cultivated. It is the stilling or focusing of the mind upon a word allows the spiritual meaning of that word to arise in the mind. Above, we defined insights as the achievement of new subtle states of mind. Making intellectual associations often comes with a subtle state of mind. When we understand what an author is saying and we become convinced, then we change our thinking about that subject. I seek to read introspective texts and literature because I believe it is most profound when you come to a new understanding of your own mind through an author.
Wayne on Sex or The Spiritual Liberation of Transformative Bliss
February 17th, 2007
I am intrigued by what Tully wrote about Sex¦ actually I didn’t read the whole thing, I got lost. But nevermind.
Sex is a ridiculous subject to write about. This word ’sex’ has been fucked by society, no one remembers what it means anymore. It is our social institutions (media mostly) that define what sex is. And as such most people are not aware of what sex can really be.
Sex, just like everything else, is ultimately a spiritual act.
Real sex is sex that never ends. Even when its over its not over because you have been so completely transformed by the experience that you can never forget, and when you do forget you don’t because it has changed you. The societal definition that sex is intercourse is limiting. Sex is much more even than orgasm! Even if one can orgasm all night long, this is still just a physical sensation. If all sex is is a physical sensation then sex stays in the physical realm. Sex can be nothing more because we have not let it be something more, we limit it by the definitions we define to it. Yet, if we can just remember, sex can be a spiritual transformation.
Sex that is not spiritually transforming is just masturbation, anything else doesn’t deserve to be called sex.
But this is all silly word play. I can redefine sex to mean whatever I want it to mean. What the hell does ’spiritually transforming’ even mean? Sounds like some new age buzz words¦ What I am really trying to point out here is the multiple functions of sex. Most people just take sex to mean pleasant physical sensation. Pleasant physical sensation that gratifies the ego, because it is also giving pleasant sensation to the Other. So both Others are happy in their physical sensations. Yet I argue, there is much more to sex than physical sensation.
I can’t define, spiritual and I can’t define transforming. These are two words that one must experience. You’ll know it when you experience it. To me sex is not worth having unless it is of the spiritually transforming kind. Pleasant physical sensations are much to ephemeral for me to give them any heavy weight in my daily choice logic. Its rather selfish really, Its my desire for longer, better, stronger feelings of bliss, that leads me to know the ’spiritual’ side of sex.
Just like everything, there is a spectrum to sex. On one end lies the purely physical addiction we have to pleasant physical sensations and on the other side lies the spiritual liberation of transformative bliss. Sex is a very, very, powerful tool. One can get really addicted and caught up in the physical or one can become completely transformed through lasting spiritual ecstasy. I choose the later.
See you there.
~W
Thoughts for today- Sunday
February 12th, 2007
Thoughts on this weekend:
A person I met at a party knew about my area, and after talking to him, I realized he had insights into my hometown that I didn’t have. He spoke eloquently, insightfully, and humbly and after he talked, I tried to add. I cut myself off, however, halfway, knowing what I had to add was extraneous on top of what he had just said. There is definitely an art to conversation, most importantly knowing when to step back and learn something, to let eloquence stand as it is.
Last night, while playing video games with Ehrin, an insight came unexpectedly. I was sitting and looked over at Ehrin just as he looked at me, I met his eyes and for a moment the situation emerged in a kind of unreality. For a moment I was potently aware of the unrealness of experience. The conception of my relationship with Ehrin vanished, any previous sense of who he was vanished, his eyes peered out at me but there was nothing behind his eyes but a sense of emptiness, or lack. It was as if I were dreaming and I pointed to him and said œaha you’re a dream figure and he was exposed and we could no longer pretend he was anything but a dream figure, and so then like a lucid dream maybe the dream figure becomes under your will and you get up and go œahh this isn’t real and you run around with a sense of carefreeness knowing everything is an illusion.
In this moment, I said that my mind completely empties out. In this, there is the impression that reality is holographic, that I am living in a virtual world that becomes completely under my control. In that the mind becomes completely without fear, one could say this mind is omniscient. This is a mind that utterly accords with reality. When the mind is completely without blemish, reality becomes a completely fearless and complete realm: there are no stray thought-formations or fragments that tell the mind reality is anything but complete and utterly pure. In this moment rushes an incredible sense of joy, or epiphany. You could either be awe struck by this phenomenon, and if unprepared, you could become crazy. Or if you are prepared, you casually accept the good news. In either case, this moment of epiphany come mostly only in glimpses. I can barely see how a moment like this could be sustained in long meditation, but who knows what people do.
This experience of emptiness is at the heart of the perfection of wisdom. The individual sees quite clearly that reality is an illusion before his eyes, a dressing laid out before him, a pure, ornate, composite of suchness. What comes first, the emptiness of self, or the emptiness of other? Perhaps they both come at the same time. When the individual recognizes his own mind, he does not find anything to be there, he merely encounters unexpectedly a sense of lack that penetrates all things. He has no problem controlling his mind, no thoughts come to bother this heroic state of mind, no demons appear.
When looking at a sentient being like this, is there any separation between the awakened self and the sentient being? Is there any separation between the sentient being and material matter or non-living reality? When looking at a sentient being, this sentient being appears to have no self that is separate from the rest of the material universe. The no self of this other person implies the no-self of myself as well.
A pivotal question in biology is: what makes an organism unique? What makes an organism MORE than just a bag of physical processes? Where do we find an organism’s œorganismness? In ultimate reality in Buddhism, an organism is not unique compared with the rest of reality, in the non-dual viewpoint. In ultimate reality, an organism is just an organized system of physical processes within an organized system of physical processes. In fact, I’m not even sure if ultimate reality CARES that an organism is organized in a certain way, because any organization is as equally empty as any other type of organization or non-organization. Certainly, in this moment of emptiness, the other being is not seen as a being in its own right. And you could say that the individual’s perspective, the phenomenal perspective, how our mind establishes frames of reference, meaning, and understanding is also another very complicated realm of organization in of itself. How do we recognize faces, how do we know which face is the face of our loved one? How do our minds correctly time the appearance of a sound with the appearance of an action? (this whole realm of psychology, of neurology). In the face of perception of wisdom, this realm of experience is also equally empty of inherent nature.
However when all reality is exposed as empty, it could appear, to a false perception, that all reality is dependent on the eye of the perceiver, which is true. But it also could appear that the individual’s perception or existence, since all other beings appear to be empty, are only figments of the imagination and at this point you could veer into solipsism and say that I am the only one who exists. To posit the emptiness of others and not yourself, of course, would be a dire mistake. It is clear that although we experience the world from a phenomenal perspective of œI, a subjective perspective of œI, this is only a conditional level of organization and is also empty of inherent nature.
The phenomenal organization of the mind is the level of organization that is experienced by consciousness. A huge question in biology, physics, and neuroscience is the fact that we, through observing our experience, and through the study of others who have certain mental disorders, can gain a lot of know how on the phenomenal level of how our minds work, how our minds create the world for ourselves. And, when we open the skull up, or look at the brain on a molecular level, when we look at the physical mechanisms of our brain, we gain a lot of information about these physical mechanisms. In neuroscience right now, however, an explanatory gap occurs, wherein we know a lot about these two levels of organization, but little about how they are causually interconnected, or how one brings about another. Is it completely accurate to say the most basic mechanisms bring about the more elaborate mechanisms? Is it even right to say that the molecular level is more fundamental than the phenomenal level? Perhaps the phenomenal level is as fundamental, and perhaps the phenomenal level displays phenomena that can’t be explained by smaller mechanisms. Perhaps the whole IS greater than the sum of its parts.
So where I left off with the question: there is the role of conventional truth in Buddhism that does account for and acknowledge organization. Looking at a sentient being and seeing that being as absolute emptiness, there is also room to acknowledge that within that emptiness there is a thing called a sentient being and this sentient being experiences suffering and pain and the like, and this being should be helped.
Now There was a physicist named Erwin Shrodinger who posed these questions of ultimate reality to the field of biology. He asked œWhat is an Organism in the sense that he wondered what are the basic laws to the universe. Many physicists take this realm of logic: It would seem that since biological organisms are made up of molecules, and molecules of atoms, and atoms of smaller particles, then the laws of physics would be the most basic and fundamental laws of the universe and hence biological organisms. In this sense, the world of physics is sometimes seen as the ultimate reality of the universe.
You could liken the realm of physics with the realm of the Tao, or ultimate reality and you would be having a similar thought to Fritof Capra, the writer of the œTao of Physics. However, Shrodinger took a different position than the usual one of the physicists.
reality as an equation, why I became interested in science, etc etc humility¦
Thoughts on sex
February 11th, 2007
Sex:
How do we have sex? Within sex are contained many different layers of interactions, of energy exchange. One slice of sex is the sensation part of sex. It leaves us with a feeling of warmth, of a tingling body high, akin to a good hot tub. It leaves us with a feeling of satiation, of satisfaction, and we may not want to do anything else afterwards. It leaves us with an electrifying glow throughout our bodies, a sense of relaxing and repose, release, sinking, floating. It makes us cringe with pleasure.
The sensation we receive from sex is pleasurable. Part of the reason why sex allures is because we wish to fulfill our drive towards the achievement of this sensation. Simply, the sensation feels good so we take part in sex. However, this view is simplistic in that it does not properly describe our motivation for sex. We do what feels good, ok, but do the sensations we receive satisfy us any deeper than on the level of making our bodies tingly? I believe a pleasant feeling in the body is pleasant becomes it accompanies an idea along with it.
Within sex is a hierarchy of progressively subtle drives, from the fulfillment of simpler mental/bodily drives, to the fulfillment of psychological needs, to the realization of spiritual needs. On the level of the body there is a desire, sparked through the formation of an image, leading the body to induce a natural response physiologically. We have an image and then an arousal whose artifacts or indications can be found on a hormonal, chemical level, leading to quickened responses etc. All this sparks from either an image or a verbal concept which leads to arousal.
This image of the act of sex and the desire to fulfill it acts on the level of image. Sex can take place on this level, but it is rudimentary. The next level of sex is that of sex as an idea, which encompasses but does not destroy sex as an image. Sex an as idea can be thought of as the realm of the sensual, and cynically put, the realm of the ego perceptions. It is still focused on individual satisfaction, but on this level sex is gratifying on an emotional level, for example, the desire for closeness or companionship. It satisfies the psyche’s need to be recognized by another person as a source of happiness. It has the aspect of the individual’s desire to see himself as happy, and further we can say there is the aspect of the individual’s desire to make the other person happy (subtly different from the wish to see another person happy). It satisfies our desire to be recognized, and takes contentment in the happiness we create in another person upon recognizing them. However, it is not altruistic in that this desire deigns to satisfy the individual himself first.
In addition, there is the aspect of the sensual where the individual wants to see himself as desirable, which is in part, but not fully due to his perception of how his partner sees him. The individual wants to see his partner have certain qualities of attraction, which are ideas or perceptions of the feminine or masculine. He also wants to see himself as desirable and of a worthy match to his partner’s desirability. In a relationship like this, the affirmation each partner gives to each other is real, but on relatively shaky ground and can quickly disintegrate.
This level of the sensual is beyond the desire to feel a particular sensation, and is more grounded on the desire to feel a certain affirmation of the self. Sensuality also is grounded in the affirmation of the partner’s self, a certain appreciation and desire of their beauty, a willingness to appreciate and a yearning to capture and enjoy the certain feminine qualities, for example. This is our desire to be close to beauty to enjoy its perfection. When we desire sex, we desire to be close to the feminine, to revel in its protection, its comforts, its fulfillment. We make love to the idea of the feminine, of the woman, and not necessarily the personality of our partners. While our partner may not be physically the ideal woman, we make love to her driven by the idea of the ideal woman. And when we make love to the ideal woman, we long to be the ideal man.
In this way, Beauty pleases our senses by making us feel privileged to be in its presence. By this I mean the desire to be around beauty is a hopeful affirmation to ourselves that we are beautiful ourselves. Seeing the beautiful makes us feel beautiful in that it makes us feel deserving of its presence, in that we are of the same stock, that since we are in the company of greatness, we are great ourselves.
We want to feel beautiful in the face of the beautiful; we want to match ourselves with the beautiful. When we feel ugly in the face of the beautiful, the beautiful intimidates us, and we shy away from it because seeing it becomes a constant reminder of our own ugliness.
More subtle than this way of thinking, beyond our obsession with the idea or ideal of beautiful, is the desire to see another person feel beautiful, or to make another person feel beautiful. In this way, we are allowing a person to feel like they live up to their ideal of the beautiful. This mode of thinking does not necessarily include a desire for ourselves to be beautiful. We sincerely wish for another person to experience the pleasure of being beautiful, without considering how they may see us or worrying about how we see ourselves.
This can also be compared with the impulse in sex that is unselfish, that is the consideration of the other person’s pleasure, to such an extent that for ourselves it can be incredibly pleasurable, but perhaps we do not think about this during the act. We have empathy, we recognize the value of pleasure that is not necessarily afforded to ourselves. Perhaps this also fills in us a part of our psyche that yearns to transcend ourselves, a part of our psyche that yearns to experience an altered consciousness through intense empathy for another person. Can we still, however, say this is the peak of sacrifice and altruism?
Beyond this point in sex the point of desire is less emphasized. Perhaps in tantra, by making love to the female, we are not making love to the ideal female body, or female sense of sensuality. Instead, we have in our minds the female aspect of the Divine, which is beyond and apart from any womanly form and is just pure idea or energy. We have no attachment to the appreciating a form as a way of securing our own pleasure.
February 11th, 2007
February 10th, 2007
Of course, the œmeaning of life question is a cliche for many, and it’s a question few ask in quite in that way anyhow. In fact, these questions are usually not directly and consciously articulated as such. Yet though seemingly naiive, I think these questions address our underlying experience. They approach those crucial issues of how we choose to be aware of ourselves, and how we choose to define ourselves to others. (We had a similar conversation outside the party). They are ready-made questions that actually point to the most subtle issues at stake during a human action or interaction.
There are a few crucial processes worthy of being analyzed during a human action, and especially a human interaction, such as the process of how a human decides to display himself to others. And in displaying himself to others, what factors determine the ways in which he is displayed to himself? I see this discussion as revolving around the idea of intentionality. How does one’s intention mediate his perception of himself, of others, and their perception of him? Other avenues we could explore: How does one through the process of experiencing come to a certain intention, that maybe different or more refined or less refined than anothers? And how do we go best about defining, or categorizing those kinds of intentions that yield the most good out of a situation?
In our search for the meaning of life, perhaps we begin at this kind of question. We begin at asking whether there is meaning that comes out of life, whether there is good in life, whether there are some paths of life and action that, more than others, give life meaning. Before asking this question, we are scarcely a person in that we lack the ability to really make decisions about our life. We have no idea what works for us and what doesn’t in life. Perhaps we are in the stage of intently watching others for our cues in which to act.
I see the next stage of the œmeaning of life question is an explorative question. After we have a sense that there may be some paths of action, that there is in fact a way of looking at the world that finds it meaningful, the next question is perhaps œOut of what intention should I act? At some point we should feel like we are empowered with a choice in the matter.
I use the word choice, because I feel in our lives, I think we should feel as if we have a choice in the actions we make in the world. What does it feel like to have a œchoice? I think like humans feel like they have a choice when they feel like they control their intentions, and by controlling their intentions, they can control the outcome of their situation. I feel that if a person feels like she has choice in a situation, she is usually bound to make a wise decision. Usually I think a person feels trapped into feeling like they don’t have a choice when they are unable to enact the dictum that says œa good intention usually yields a good outcome. They have not yet fully said to themselves œthis is the way I want to conduct myself, and unclear on their intention, they find themselves with bad results over and over again.
This helps us in answering the question of œHow does a human choose to display herself to others, and if we were to ask this question of ourselves, we would be asking ourselves our intentions. Christians believe that we always faced with the question of how we display ourselves before God. So even alone, perhaps we are making a choice to express ourselves. Here, I think that you could substitute the word God for œconscience. If there is no God, perhaps there is a conscious, a part of us that witnesses ourselves.
I’m not saying this conscience sits there and judges using a framework of right/wrong. I’m merely asking, when we are by ourself and acting with good intentions, what part of us tells us those intentions are good? This discussion is tantamount to the above question of the factors of how a person experiences himself. I believe that when we know ourselves that our intentions are good, and we aren’t relying on someone else to tell us that, only then can we really be a whole person. These are the intentions we should hold to even when others are criticizing us. That quality of ourselves is a goodness that knows our self to be good, that our intentions are good. This, even when we are alone, is the source of our happiness and meaning in life. It is a meaning that is not dependent on others, or circumstances, it is always present. I believe this is the point that many philosophers such as Sartre have come to in their critique of exterior morals imposing themselves onto a person. And in asking the related question of œhow does the way a human chooses to display herself to others reflect the way a human sees herself? the answer is here. This kind of person who recognizes himself to be good does not have to tell himself œI am good and rarely finds it useful to tell himself œI am bad. A person who tries to tell himself he is good with a thought is in the act of self-deception. Above I mentioned a œwitness, that part of ourselves that confirms ourselves, that force of good in ourselves which knows itself to be good. A person who knows himself to be good has a witness in one respect and lacks it in another. In a sense, a person like this at heart is pure goodness, he is all œwitness, that watchful force of good in the world. In another sense, he lacks a œwitness in the sense that he doesn’t need anyone to tell him that he is good. This is getting to the experience of this sort of person.
I believe this force of goodness instructs all three questions of œHow do I act right now, œWhat do I really want out of life?, and œWhat does life mean, anyways? In a sense, it is silly to take those questions as independent questions, since they inform each other so much.
So, I started out this whole discussion after thinking about how I felt on New Years. New Years in a sense is just another night, in that it was just another night to practice my path. If I came home and checked in with myself saying œdid I practice my path wholeheartedly and the answer was yes then it was a good night. If the answer was no, then I tell myself that I can do better. In another sense it was a special night in that I was around so many friends, so many other people to share this earth with.
Out of that I try to take the opportunity to feel a special sort of ecstasy, I try to take a big step back and really look at myself, who I am, and where I am going. But I feel like I’ve done that numerous times since then. Each time I become undecided about how to take the next step is an opportunity to really reflect on what my path really is. I wouldn’t want to take that next step blindly because I might be forging a path that isn’t truly the right one for me. Every moment is a decision, and every decision is an evolution because it changes us. To really be happy, we can’t be afraid of these decisions, we have to be in the space to make them one after another after another. The scary thing I think is just that, that there’s really no break. But when you realize how good it feels to grow, do you really want to take a break?
In consideration of artistry & strategy…
I find that in hidden moments and in set aside moments…I find that in conversation…and especially in those moments when I’m alone and slightly gazing at an expanding scene. In these times artistry really takes the theme. My experience resonates with music. I notice the intricacy, the beauty, and the over-arching essence of that very experience that unfolds before me. This, to me, is when I am absorbed in artistry. It is a moment (or series of moments) when I consider artistry, at the fore of my consciousness.
In constradistinction, when I am involved in thinking: Especially in projects, in philosophy, in family, in friends, in heated intellection, I constantly consider strategy. Strategy has been playing a larger and larger role in my life because I have been studying board games. 
But it’s certainly not as pedestrian or adolescent as it sounds. Strategy fascinates me endlessly. Now, artistry is inherent to my process and occurs spontaneously, but strategy is something I need to pursue in order to preserve. Here’s a few things that fascinate me.
1. Differences in board games and the mentalities from these different styles. Check this out…I think Western chess is a largely offensive game, whereas Chinese (xiangqi) is equally offensive-defensive, and Japanese (shogi) is largely defensive. Just by pieces on the board they create that much difference! One set of parameters generates a whole range of patterns. What does that mean about having a flexible mind? What does that mean about how your thinking is affected by your environment and its parameters? How do you problem solve amidst this (type of) universe? And all this only makes me want to train my mind more. It makes me want to meditate more, and to study more. As innocent as it sounds, I want to be better at chess! (but that’s not the only factor at play here, indeed)
2. What IS possibility?!? A fundamental question one need ask in one’s next chess move is “What are the possibilities?” But to ask…what is this whole idea of possibility? Vacancy fascinates me. When I look at the chess board I see the empty slots where the piece can go. I see the 4 directions that a rook can glide along. The invisible lines jump out from the board at me, telling me that these empty slots can be filled. It makes me contemplate the unknown, it makes me contemplate the “slot” (in its most poetic sense). And all this can arise on such a simple small slit of existence I like to call a “strategy board”. As the emptiness jumps from 2-D into my eyes, the board becomes a “contemplation board”. Contemplate possibility in the face of reality…
3. Neural pathways are reworked when totally new situations occur. I am forced to think in new ways when the whole configuration of the board appears in a way I’ve never seen it before. This is a strange feeing to describe, especially when it is sometimes abrupt and immediate and jarring and exhilirating. The best way I can describe it is that my mind is twisted. You know that feeling when you learn something new, or somebody tells you something (it could just be in the verbage) that flips your way of thinking about something on its head? And then that feeling where your present awareness has to deal with how to integrate this new thing into your brain structure, and then you have to function on that? It all happens quite quickly, and is sometimes unnoticed because you’re in the midst of it…This all intrigues me for some reason. And as I said, it’s exhilirating.
4. But why do I want to preserve strategic thinking? If as Ta-Hui says…”(Scholarship hampers the achievement of awakening)” than why would something so contrary to that statement be worth cultivating? In part, I have a firm belief in communicating clearly. But it doesn’t just end there. There are many significant, even poignant, reasons. The one that stands out most to me is artistry! You guys should all check out Magister Ludi by Hermann Hesse. It’s an amazing text. About a world where there is a game called the glass bead game. The elites of that era play it integrating their genius surrounding knowledge, aesthetic, poetic, etc.-> They are all versed in philosophy, music, poetry, literature, etc. I think board games are so subtly linked with music, and poetry and all of that. I’m still discovering why though, and that’s what makes it potent.
I hope that is satisfactory for now.
