Reconciliation
I need to sit down and have a conversation with Life.
The first question I would ask is:
Why me, why everybody? What is the need for all the suffering in the world?
I’m totally angry with you Life, and I fucking hate you for all that you’ve made me feel! But I know I can be angry as I want with you and you will still forgive me because I am your child, and I really know that deep down too and I forgive you too.
Life fucked me, life brought me back. I guess I can’t be too mad, huh?
I don’t need anything from life..because I AM life!
Change- it’s just the way things are
The biggest fucking release is to realize that you can let go without some huge release. The most culminating moment is realizing there is no culminating moment.
Because enlightenment would be way too fucking stressful if it all came in one moment. There would be the huge fear of fucking it up at the last minute. Or the fear of losing it.
My spirit has been chained by my ego and it has known it. It has been lost and it has known it. How do I know this? Because I talk to it.When I cry, it isn’t my ego that pities myself. When my spirit cries, it mourns its imprisonment. But this sad song cannot be contained by prison walls… and in this way, I know why the caged bird sings.
I think I will always have some sadness towards my life. I think I will mature into an acceptance of this.
I’m such a fucking idealist!
I got fucked hard because I was so single minded towards my goal of perfect love. Fuck idealism!
I was on a quest for perfect love… I got it and then I lost it. When I lost that perfect love, I could not settle for anything less, so I cast myself into doom and rejected all the simple happiness of life.
Since then I have tortured myself with the thoughts of failure and inadequacy. I have not wanted to settle with starting back at the beginning, and being one of the “unenlightened folk”. But I have been reduced to such a wither that I would be an absolute fool not to take the scraps of food given to me. Now I am on a quest to surrender to life’s simpler pleasures and joys and once again am preparing to climb the mountain of true love, this time armed with a new humility that should protect me from any large falls from grace.
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This past year I have lived my life as a failed idealist. It has come as quite a rude awakening for me to realize that there is nothing worse than hanging around a failed idealist and that’s why all my friends have been avoiding me for the past year.
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Idealism has by far been my worst addiction. It manifests in despair which really is the vain hope that somehow by causing myself pain and separation I will die like Jesus on the Cross and ascend to God-like power, which is really a huge ego fantasy more than anything else. I think I’ll really stop being in pain when I get rid of the possibility of this fantasy.
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I am a failed philosopher and contemplative who has been knocked off his pedestal like a corrupt spiritual guru. If only all my friends could experience me as brilliantly as I experience myself! Too bad it’s a fucking impossible goal because of my underlying belief that they can NEVER UNDERSTAND ME !! hahah
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Actually though the strongest archetype I’ve identified myself with is that of the fool. Only fools fall in love right? No wonder the second strongest archetype i’ve identified myself with is that of the lover. I’ve definitely played the wise fool many times. I’ve also been the fool who didn’t want to follow along with anyone else and therefore didn’t look both ways getting across the street and got himself hit by a mack truck.
Well there you get to the root of my despair and the anger. FUCK YOU WORLD! I don’t WANT TO look both ways across the street, you dickless assholes!. And i fucking want to get hit by a truck and DIE, And I hope you will all come to my funeral and realize how much better I am than all of you worthless pieces of shit. I HOPE YOU DIE, FUCKERS!
